Washing

Last week, I had absolutely nothing planned. Nothing. Which is good, right?

Wrong.

Sitting in the kitchen Sunday evening, and the missus comes in with a load of washing,. She is about to piut it in the washing machine and starts hitting buttons, putting various sprays and potions in mysterious compartments, mutters several incantations, slaughters a goat etc.

She should, of course, have said to me, "you've got nothing to do tomorrow, whereas I have a full day of high powered stuff to do, so do you think you could interrupt your busy schedule of swinging your legs out of the bed and at least manage to put some washing on?"

But no; far too wily for that. She just ignores me. Well, two can play at that game. So we ignore each other. I read the paper, as if nothing is amiss, but then the heartless woman delivers the coup de grace with all the coldbloodedness and arrogance of Enrique Ponce as he slaughters his 100th bull of the season. She gives me a pitiless stare and says, "would you like a cup of tea?"

That's it. I instantly crumble. I have never felt so guilty, and I've never done the washing. OK, I do lots of other stuff (well, some other stuff), but not the washing. That's terrible. Time to make amends, so I say, "no, no let me make the tea, and let me do the washing from now on."

I then realise to my horror,. that I do not actually know how to operate the washing machine. Can't be THAT hard, can it? Do I admit this, or do I run the risk of ruining her best Ball Gown. I try to play the middle game. " Umm...is there anything...specific... I should know?"

She, of course, rumbles me instantly. "Do you want me to show you how to operate the washing machine?"

"Er..."

“OK, I’ve got some woollens here, so I’ll do it on the easy care wash. No, I think I'll use Delicates. No, I’ll just use easy care at 60 degrees. No, 40 degrees is fine” She spins various dials.

“Why not on “woollens?”

“Don’t need that.”

“Why’s it there then?”

“I don’t know. What does it matter?”

“How about underwear?”

“I’d use cottons. See? This dial over here. 60 degrees. Maybe 90”

“What’s the ‘mixed load’ button for?”

“Er…a mixed load, but don’t use that”

“OK, well why are there two separate sets of buttons, with similar temperatures, but different cloth types?”

“Look, just stuff it on, OK? But Don’t mix my underwear with your underwear?

“Why not?”

“One’s black, one’s white. Not good”

“When do you use the ‘intensive stains‘ button?”

“If you have to use the intensive stains button, it‘s time to get a carer in. Don‘t go there.”

“Well, what about the “freshen up button? The Express button? What’s the “Rinse plus“ button do?”

“Don’t bother with those. Unless you need to“

Ye Gods, I tell you, I’d have more chance of landing a Jumbo Jet blindfold..

“Now what are you doing?”

“putting in conditioner.” She opens a compartment that is made up of a rabbit warren of smaller compartments. “Goes in here”

“What’s the other ones for.”

“Pre-wash”

“When do you use that? “

“I don’t”

“Now what?”

“Powder. Goes in here.”

“How much?”

“Oh, for God’s sake, just put it in.”

“Now what are you doing?”

“Spraying your shirt with Vanish”

“Why?”

“Because it’s got curry stains on it. It may interest you to know that I personally keep the Vanish Stain Remover Company afloat with the amount of Vanish I use to get curry stains out of your shirts. Any more questions??”

Yes. Can I go back to work?