Why I hate birds

Sorry for huge gap in posting.

Have been at home since May 5^th, and not really much place else, recovering from my Hip Replacement Operation, so what follows are some hugely self-indulgent,  whiney, sulky, peevish, selfish and ungrateful random thoughts about the recovery process which may be of some interest to people who have either had said operation themselves, or are thinking about having it.

Everyone else will probably be bored rigid.

You have been warned.

OK, the first thing is to remember the Three Gremlin No-No’s: FOR SIX WEEKS:

1)      Don’t cross your legs

This means you have to sleep on your back, because if you sleep on your side (which nearly everyone does, including me) you are in danger of crossing your legs at night in your sleep. Result: DISLOCATION

2)      Don’t twist from your middle.  If you do, result: DISLOCATION.  So when you turn round, you have to revolve with a series of little steps.

3)      Don’t bend more than 90 degrees from your middle. If you do, result: DISLOCATION. This means that I cannot put on my socks.

Or my pants.

Or wash my lower legs.

Or feet.

Or cut my toenails.

Or scratch my leg.

Or put on trousers very easily.

Or sit in a chair and bend forward

Or pick something up off the floor

Or sit in a low sofa (all our sofas are low)

Or sleep in our bed (too low)

Or sit on the toilet (too low)

Or crouch

Or squat

Or play Twister

Or bow deeply to the Queen

Strangely, I think my limbo dancing is unaffected

SO…I have to sleep in a different bed from the missus (I hate doing that), on my back, with a pillow between my legs to stop me turning over at night.

I also have to have a raised toilet seat

My missus has to put my socks and pants on. On me, not her.

I also have to wear these long white tight surgical stocking for six weeks to stop getting blood clots. I look like one of those Hassidic Jews

This is a typical night:

Stay up as long as possible.

Around midnight: Sit on bed. Hoik bad leg up onto bed with leg swinger appliance. This is a kind of loop on a stick that you hook round your foot and lift your leg up with.

***WARNING…WARNING…WARNING*** I tried to find a picture on the internet but to no avail. DO NOT type “Leg Swinger” into Google. I have had to bleach my eyeballs.

Stick a large pillow under your knees to relieve pressure on back. Then stick another pillow between your legs to prevent crossed legs. Take all medication

12.10 – 12.30 Read book

12.30 Turn out light and lay on your back. Try to get comfy. Close eyes

12.40 Open eyes. Try to cheat and turn over a bit, but can’t due to huge number of pillows in bed.

12.45 close eyes and try counting catwomen

12.50 open eyes, and listen to iPod thingy

1.30 Still no luck. Turn off iPod

1.35 Get up for pee for something to do. This takes about 20 mins by the time you have extricated yourself from pillows and hoiked leg out of bed and hobble to loo on walking sticks.

1.50 Back in bed. Turn of light. Close eyes. Start to drift off, but are instantly awakened by pounding heart and desperate gasping for breath brought on by sleep Apnoea due to lying on back

2.00 – 2.45 repeat the last step.

2.45 Prop oneself up in bed with 6 pillows to try and avoid sleep Apnoea. Close eyes. Start counting Emma Peels

2.45 – 3.05. Try to get comfy, but as you are now sitting up in bed, not easy

3.05. Go for another pee

3.20. Finally manage to drift off for 30 minutes

3.50 FUCKING BIRDS START UP

4.00am Decide to get up and sit in armchair. Change of scenery at least. Manage about 90 minutes of fitful sleep.

5.30am Wake up due to freezing cold despite duvet wrapped around. Go back to bed and listen to fucking birds. Pass time by devising bird feeder with poisoned fat balls.