Bob Hoskins Lives!

Sleeping with my new hip is gradually getting better (see earlier posts), but still causes a little discomfort at night.


So most noises will disturb my sleep at the moment.

So imagine my joy when last night, having finally got off to sleep at about 1.30am, I am awakened by a sodding car alarm coming from down the street.

It had clearly been set by Torquemada



 to go on for long enough to wake you up, stop just as you were getting used to it, stay off so that you had just enough time to go back to sleep, and then start up again.

I endured this for about an hour, then flung the duvet aside, removed the pillow from between my legs I have to sleep with, and hobbled down three flights of stairs to look out the front door, (buffo), to try to locate the source of the racket. There it was, fifty yards up the road, some smartarse BMW-type smugmobile flashing away and howling intermittently.



 I was tempted to grab a shovel and beat the car to death, but the sight of a large hairy limpimg naked maniac crushing a car with a shovel at 2.00am might have brought me to the attention of plod, or worse, a terrified neighbour thinking they'd stumbled into a zombie movie



and given me two barrels to the brain.

Instead, I grabbed the phone book (yes, I still have one) and half heartedly looked up the council listings to see if there was an appropriate department.

There it was! 'Noise Abatement Squad'. Not thinking for a minute anyone would answer, I rang the number, and was answered almost immediately by a quiet mannered gentleman with a husky Bob Hoskins voice.

I explained the problem, gave them my number, and told them the whereabouts of the offending vehicle

'Not to worry Sir, we'll be right over.'

'Do you think you might be able to do something about it?' I whined

A quiet throaty chuckle. 'Oh we'll deal with it all right', said Bob ominously. What he didn't say was "NO ONE WAKES UP TAXPAYERS ON MY MANOR!!!"



Now fully awake, with no chance of going back to sleep while the Car Alarm Torture was still in full flow, I sat up and did my hip exercises



About thirty minutes later, I heard a bunch of gruff, murmuring male voices outside up the road: sure enough there they were, crowding round the vehicle.


 Couldn't see what they were doing, but about five minutes later to my utter delight and disbelief, I heard the sound of breaking glass, twisting metal, and the heavenly refrain of, I think, sledgehammer-on-engine.



The hellish alarm wail then abruptly stopped in mid warble, never to be heard again.

A couple of minutes later the phone rang, and Bob said, 'Nose Abatement Squad here sir, we've located the vehicle and managed to neutralise the alarm. You'll have no more trouble tonight.' I was almost tempted to ask if he neutralised other things, like telesales operatives and Carol Vorderman, but left it at that.

Never have my Council Tax Dollars been better spent.