My Fault

Not quite sure how she does it, but the missus is a virtuoso at making everything my fault. I tell you, it's a gift.

She took a long weekend, and we did our occasional cinema on Monday afternoon routine. So we're in there, amongst the crumblies

Egad, but that's a trim ankle you have there Marjorie. Come and sit next to me and we can compare hip operations

I sit down. I am now ready and fully prepared for the film.

She sits down. Stands up and takes off her jacket. Sits down. Gets her handbag and starts rummaging through it. Rummage rummage, crinkle crinkle. Elbow in the ribs. Rustle rustle. Rummage rummage.

'Here hold this' She starts passing me stuff out of the voluminous cavern that is her handbag. Keys, tissues, more tissues, makeup, notebook, envelopes, vast quantities of old till receipts, copy of Timeout, the missing evidence in the A6 Murders Case, more tissues, missing bits of the Rosetta Stone, more tissues……



"What are you doing?'

'Looking for my glasses'

'What, are you going to read a book during the film?'

'I want to turn my phone off. Here they are'

'She still continues to hand me stuff. I am running out of hands. I consider setting up a car boot stall or at the very least hiring a skip



'What are you looking for now?'

'My phone. Here it is. Ooh I've got a message'

'Look, just turn it off. You're missing the amusing EE advert.'

'Hold on.' She reads her message and starts tapping away at the phone in that universally moronic pose that all composers of mobile phone text messages adopt and incenses me every time I see it, which means that I get incensed every few minutes when I am in ANY RESTAURANT. She finally finishes, turns off her phone, and I start handing back the armfuls of detritus that disappear over the Event Horizon into the Black Hole that is her handbag.

She gets up again. 'I think I'll go to the loo'

'Why didn't you go when you came in?' I say irritably

'I wanted to get settled'

'By searching for the Lost Treasures of the Incas in your handbag?'

'Just watch the adverts you misery'

Off she goes. Returns and sits down for two minutes. We are into the trailers. She gets up.

'What now??'

'I'm going to get a bottle of water. Do you want one?'

'No'

'What if you get thirsty?'

'I'm fine. I'll have some of yours if dehydration sets in over the next 90 minutes.'

'Well, I'm getting fizzy'.

'I'm getting pretty worked up myself''

She returns with the water, just as the film certificate comes up. That's the start of the film. Absolutely categorically no talking from this point in. She whispers to me, 'I think we came here on our wedding anniversary and saw Titanic.'




(Incidentally, Titanic was one of the worst films I have ever seen. Never have I been so glad to see an iceberg. The whole terrible experience was made almost enjoyable however, by the lady behind me sobbing to her neighbour as the credits rolled at the end, "I didn't know it was going to sink!!")

'Ssssh'

'I am sure of it. I think we sat over there.'

'Sssssh'

'About three rows back in the middle. Yes! It was definitely just over there. Look!' She points meaninglessly at some empty seats

'What am I supposed to be looking for, a blue plaque?'

'Sssssssh, the film's started' she says.

See? My fault