Slapper

OK, maybe it was partly the drink. Maybe also partly the fact that I am a senile old geezer who can't hear properly, especially in a crowd of braying partygoers


SPEAK UP!!!

So on Saturday I went to a (not very good) early evening one-hour play at the Southwark Playhouse about Einstein


I wouldn't bother if I were you

Then things perked up with a few ales at The Gilbert Scott Bar

Here I am enjoying a couple of pints of Creme de Menthe, as befits the surroundings

And then on to a friend's drinks party. I've had two cocktails, and am well into the second half of a bottle of fizz, so I'm swaying about a bit. I get into conversation with a very nice woman. Very demure. Very conservatively dressed. We talk a bit about this and that...I'm really not sure what to be honest. We certainly mention religion. She is telling me all about her upbringing, her moral compass

Have you heard the good news?

I try to nod in all the right places, but I can't hear her properly, and I can't hear myself. I keep having to shout above the hubbub

Anyway, she then says, "I was brought up as a practising Protestant"

I misheard, so I shout in a rather startled voice, "YOU WERE BROUGHT UP AS A PRACTISING PROSTITUTE? BLIMEY THAT'S UNUSUAL. YOU MUST HAVE A FEW WAR STORIES..."


Have you heard the good news?

She looks at me with a mixture of horror and disbelief. I instantly realise my mistake, but too late. An expectant hush has descended around her, as partygoers are hoping to catch a few good war stories from this most unlikliest-of-looking old slapper.

I desparately try to diffuse the situation by yelling, "OH SORRY I THOUGHT YOU SAID PROSTITUTE..." but of course the repetition of the offending word just makes everyone pay more attention.

It's a lost cause and a complete disaster, so I smile and try to laugh it off, and I back away, making the excuse that I require the loo, but I do this by pointing to my groin, the possible implication being that perhaps she would like to accompany me to a more secluded spot where we could transact business.

Thank God at this juncture my missus, who is far more intelligent and far less drunk than I, sees I am in some sort of trouble with this poor female guest, and instantly surmises (based on many years of experience) that I have somehow caused some outrageous offence, and smoothly whisks me away.

I wonder if she was an old slapper though