Braciole

Watching an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, they were all eating and raving over a dish called Braciole


What's this?
I dunno. Something called Braciole the props dept gave me

Intrigued, I looked it up. It's an Italian special feast dish: thin slices of braising steak filled with all sorts of scrummy things, rolled up, cooked slowly in a rich tomato sauce, sliced and served with the sauce.

Love a challenge, me. So here it is, as made |Satterday for four of us. Took me six bastard hours.

First, brown off some pork bones


and add them to a tomato sauce made with red wine, garlic, passata, herbs

Mmmmm bones in tomato sauce

this cooked for three hours. Meanwhile, I flattened some slices of skirt steak. Skirt is great as it has no gristle and no fat, but plenty of flavour. It does, however, need a good two hours cooking

Hello, I'm skirt. I am available at all good butchers

Oww!! Now I'm flat. About quarter of an inch thick

Now the filling. First I whizzed up plenty of parsley and basil


with garlic


and spread it over the steak


followed by breadcrumbs and freshly grated parmesan

I do hope you are impressed. It is extremely difficult holding a phone and grating a lump of parmesan at the same time


Then I went a bit out on a limb and scattered on raisins soaked in masala, and some dried porcini, and rolled it all up

Tied it with little bands which I nicked from the butcher

and fried them off in olive oil


before putting them in the tomato sauce and cooking for another two hours



Meanwhile I made some garlic & rosemary potatoes with goose fat

There is literally nothing on this planet that does not improve with a good dollop of goose fat

Ok, you got me there, but ALMOST literally nothing.

Before



After


Finally sliced the beef rolls



put the slices into a large dish, covered with the tomato sauce, sprinkled with fresh basil and more parmesan, and finished off in the oven

I'm done


The completed article

It was stonkingly delicious

Old People

Why whenever there is an article on the news about old people - pensions, care homes - NHS etc etc, there is always some horrific stock pictures of old people dribbling into their porridge?

Don't give her sprouts - what are you thinking??

If the news story is about, say, the economy, you don't have a picture of Mark Carney tucking into a Big Mac do you? No, he's in a nice suit saying something with the words "fiscal prudence" not far from his lips, not "can I supersize that please."

...and the Big Cahuna Coke please

If it's something about immigration, then the interview with Nigel Farage  is unlikely to include him scarfing down a plate of curry

...and four papadums

Let's face it. No one looks good eating. OK, maybe The Queen, could pull it off

Maybe not.

So why pick on a section of the public who don't exactly have a lot going for them in the looks department in the first place (cue bunch of old crumblies trying to persuade everyone including themselves how gorgeous they look).

So how about a few piccies of old people doing something a bit less demeaning. How about ...er.... sport?

Hey you bitch - give me my tits back!!
Come and get them if you think you're hard enough

OK maybe stick to the eating

Father's Day

I don't really understand any of it. Have you seen the type of stuff they are trying to get offspring to buy for their fathers?

This year's Fathers Day accessory

We're not all Arnies and Jeremys you know.

That fateful assault by Jeremy Clarkson in the BBC canteen

It's all Football flavoured crisps and Golf-shaped toolboxes.

How about a nice Gift Token?

Picture of me on my way to have my nails buffed courtesy of an Elizabeth Arden gift token. Thanks kids!!

NOW we're talking

Google: Ha!

I am sure many people out there have noticed the insidious nature in which Google seems to be able to track your every thought and deed. For example, I went to Brighton the other day, took a few pictures. Here is a typical one of Brighton Bobbies on the Beat

Excuse me sir, can I look at your credentials?

and when I got home, there was an email from Google entitled, "a day out in Brighton" They had thoughtfully put my pictures in order, complete with a map of where I had been, and my inside leg measurement.

I mean, BLOODY HELL - what's going on?

Here is a link to a website about tea shoppes in Tunbridge Wells we think you might like

However, this morning I got a helpful email from Google recommending the following website:

"Do you take your pets on vacation? What’s your funniest story about traveling pets"

Aaarrggghhhh AAAARRGGHHHH  AAAARRGGHHHHH anyone who has even the vaguest awareness of my existence will know that I would rather pull my own face off with a rusty set of blunt pliers than have anything to do with a pet.


If that's what you think Google, you know nothing about Tuco. Nothing!!!

Dog Saliva

 I have the misfortune of living in London. Usually it is great and I love it, but this afternoon drove me nuts.

The missus and I went to the Affordable Art Fair. This is a twice yearly gathering of hundreds of art galleries, selling their paintings and sculptues, all at affordable prices (nothing over £5000). It takes place in a huge pavilion set up on Hampstead Heath, and is full of trendy 40 - 60-something art directors, BBC documentary producers, advertising creative executives and their skeletal bronzed high-cheekboned wives with their skin scraped across crumbling faces, and accompanied by their salon-trimmed schnauzers.

Oh this is just what we need for the Au Pair's sunlounge

As we've got rid of our car, we took the 102 bus to The Bishops Avenue, and walked up the avenue admiring the eclectic architecture.

Christ on a bike, what the fuck have they stuck on my front?

...and then the missus, (against my better judgement but I kept quiet), decided to take a short cut across Hampstead Heath, although neither of us was quite sure of the way.

Gentle reader, if there is a more Hellish place in London than Hampstead Heath, I have yet to come across it. I try to avoid it at all costs. It is the most miserable place you can imagine. It is basically a great big space full of trees, grass, mud, insects, fecking dogs of all shapes and sizes OFF THEIR LEAD, and worse of all, dog owners, who absolutely refuse to believe or understand how anyone could be anything less than delighted by having a litre of dog saliva slowly cascading down their legs and collecting in their shoes.

Don't worry, he's just being playful  - he won't bite

We wandered about this hellhole for a good hour until finally, thankfully, we came up, gasping for air, at the wonderful sight of buildings, roads, and blissful civilisation again, and finally found the Art Fair. Lovely hazelnut syrup mocha skinny frappacino in the café.    

Pock Marked Old Woman and Bad Jews

Had my exam on Monday morning after a heavy week of intense revision, and as a treat, my missus took me to see Bad Jews at the Arts Theatre


What they all said

Which was excruciatingly, uncomfortably funny and almost unbelievably rude - and that was just the audience:

From the row behind us, we got a running commentary in a loud whisper:

WHAT DID SHE SAY??
I'M NOT REPEATING EVERYTHING. JUST WATCH THE HAND MOVEMENTS AND IMAGINE WE'RE AT UNCLE  ABE'S .

Thoroughly recommended.

But before the show we went to The Baozi Inn just across the street in Chinatown


I might look cute, but I have the most uncomfortable seats you will ever sit on

OK, we were only going in for a quick pre-theatre meal, but the seats consisted of a narrow, rock-hard plank on two legs. It would have been more comfortable sitting on a spike.

This was a sichuan cafe/restaurant, with unusually for chinatown, waiters that weren't completely rude, The menu was refreshingly literal: we had ma po beancurd, which was of course given the literal translation of "pock-marked old woman's beancurd"


I know I sound horrible, but I am delicious and blisteringly hot

It came covered in Sichuan pepper, which, if you have never tried it, tends to numb your tongue, lips, and anything else it touches.

We also had black fungus salad, and seaweed slime in garlic.

Absolutely scrummy, and the bill was hurled at us after 15 minutes without us even asking. I tell you, these chinese could teach the jews a thing or two.