Phase II

I retired about 18 months ago and true to myself, I have bumbled about and not done much. Haven't earned very much,

Excuse me mate: Big Issue?

I've done a bit of volunteering,

Well I guess that will teach me not to volunteer for experimental laser eye surgery

walked around a bit,

...I'm sure he said turn left at Lidl...

 seen a few shows

- Isn't Strindberg simply wonderful?
- Oh he is: I do love an iconoclast

and generally felt at a loose end. However, I have fallen into a vague routine that I rather like. I suspect that is about to change, as retirement enters Phase II. In seven days time, the missus also retires.

On Sunday morning, the reality of the situation suddenly hit me, and the conversation went like this.

Me: I expect you will like to take things fairly slowly after next week? Do you need any relaxation pointers?

Her: Oh I shan't have time to relax! I'm going to spend the rest of the summer clearing out my study - plenty of trips to the Charity Shop - and then all rooms need decorating. The garden needs a complete overhaul...

Me:  Oh, OK, Well if you need any help, I can recommend Help the Aged ha ha...

I get The Look

Her Yes. I think we'll start the decorating in your study...


Please leave me alone

Best window display EVER

On my way this morning  to a  numeracy teaching class for ex-alcoholics, I notice for the first time a shop front I must have passed a hundred times in my life.

The care and expertise the owner must have lavished on his display doesn't bear thinking about

- Oh yes, good morning, do you have a white card with three round blue plasticky looking things stuck to it?
- Ah, I have just the thing for you madam. Now where did I put it...

Cossacks

Talking to my son a couple of weeks ago about his upcoming Graduation Ceremony at Cambridge. Now I don't know much about these things but apparently there is a choice as to what the students can wear for their graduation, and my son was explaining the options

"...one of the options is a cossack."

I instantly thought, well you've got to hand it to these ancient institutions, they are nothing if not kinky. "Brilliant!" I said, "go for it! Can't wait to see you in the furlined boots, silk blouson, and peasant jerkin. You'd better start growing the moustache."


Yes, I've just been awarded a bachelor of arts in media studies

"Eh? I've got a picture of the uniform. I'll email it over if you like. Tell me if you think I should go for it."

This is what he sent me

Keith Lorraine

So I'm walking along the pavement minding my own business when I become aware of a loud oaf talking into his mobile phone coming up behind me

"...yeah, anyway get this. Listen. His name was Keith right? And guess what the name of his girlfriend was? You'll never guess. Eh? No,. no, listen. Her name was...you ready for this? OK, OK, I'm getting to it. Her name was Lorraine! Geddit? Lorraine!! Keith and Lorraine! Keith Lorraine, geddit? As in Quiche Lorraine!!!

Yeah, you heard. Keith Lorraine!!

"I said to them. That's like in Quiche Lorraine, geddit? Keith and Lorraine. Quiche Lorraine!! Eh? No, they never invited me back. Don't know why. Nah, nah, this was nine years ago..." at which point he mercifully went out of range.

Jesus Chrostonabike NINE YEARS AGO?? And he's still telling his irritating and lame story to his ever dwindling pool of friends and aquaintances? How come no-one's put him out of his misery in all that time?

Where's a polo mallet when you need one?

Minions

Monday afternoon, and me, the missus, the mother in law and a friend, went to see The Minions Movie. Our ages ranged from 57 to 86




I got to the cinema before the others so bought the tickets.

"4 for The Minions please, including one concession" I say to the ticket office lady.

"Thank you, that's three adults and one child, That'll be..."

"No, the concession is an OAP."

"Oh, OK, One OAP and how many children?"

"Ummm....none."

"So...three adults and one OAP."

"Yes."

"No kids."

"Umm...no."

"To see The Minions?"

"Yyyyes."



"What? Can't a bunch of old people see The Minions without a pack of kids trailing behind?" I say indignantly.

"Of course Sir. It's just that the concession gets a free Minion face mask"

"Oh, OK, great. Errr... that would be my mother-in-law." I look around desparately for her, but no one else has arrived yet.

The lady gives me a knowing smile

"Of course it is Sir. Well, why don't you look after it for her till she arrives?" she says, handing over the Minion Mask.

Just pass me my pince-nez will you dear?

"I will. Thank you. She'll be here any second."

"Uh-huh."

I don't care. The film was GREAT. A little long, but the characters were played with gusto and verve.

A whimsical spoof on contemporary mores

Caption Competition

Lagarde: "New balls please"

That EU-Greek Summit in full

EU Thank you Mr Tsipras for your bailout proposals. On the face of it, these proposals look even more draconian than the proposals we put to you a couple of weeks ago.

Tsipras ...and we totally rejected your proposals

EU …and then we withdrew them

Tsipras…and then we voted on the withdrawn proposals in a referendum and rejected them

EU… and now you are proposing to us these same withdrawn rejected proposals, only making them even tougher on yourselves?

Tsipras exactly. That'll show you

EU But..will you get these through your parliament?

Tsipras Oh sure. They don't know what the hell's going on. And neither do I.

EU Well, look, fine, whatever. We will accept your new tougher old rejected withdrawn proposals to us which were ours in the first place.

Here's that redraft you wanted Mr Tsipras

Tsipras Get IN!! Victory for the little people over the EU apprarachiks!! Well, I must be off…

Mr Tsipras shrugs on his jacket and strolls towards the door

 EU Mr Tsipras, Mr Tsipras, aren’t you forgetting something?

Mr Tsipras gazes around at the ceiling Ummm…nnnnno I don’t think so…

EU The debt

Mr Tsipras affects surprise The…debt.? Ummmm...he clicks his fingers  debt...debt...OH! you mean THAT debt??

EU

Tsipras What? What about it? (incredulously) You don't actually want it back, do you?

EU

Mr Tsipras sighs loudly. Well, I wish you had made that clear at the time. How much?

EU

Tsipras What, ALL of it?

EU We did lend it to you in the first place you know

Tsipras Well more fool you. So you admit it was your fault eh?

EU getting exhasperated Look Mr Tsipras, how can we put it? WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK!!

Tsipras You mean Angela wants her money back

EU Same thing

Tsipras (walking around and waving his arms in a conciliatory gesture OK, OK, look, I’VE done some stupid things…YOU'VE done some stupid things…I suggest we let bygones be bygones. I tell you what, I'm a reasonable man,

and I wouldn't make this offer to just anyone. Seriously, they're gonna KILL me back home (laughs nervously). So here's what I'll do, and it's only because I kinda like you guys, I’ll split the difference. I’ll give you 50%. No, no, don't thank me. It's the least I can do, so waddya...

EU No

Tsipras Jeez. OK, 70%

EU No

Tsipras Hey hey hey...er... look. I mean, Jeez, I thought this was a negotiation? What’s with all the smiles on the steps outside a few minutes ago, eh?

Ha Ha! OK let go now. Seriously, that really hurts

What’s a few billion between friends. Partners. We are  partners aren’t we? I seem to recall you wanted us to join in the first place. Am I wrong? Hmmm? 

EU

Tsipras Oh by the way, thought you might like to see this holiday piccie I took recently

Come on  Vlad, give us a smile
I AM smiling

EU (sighs heavily We will agree, reluctantly, to reschedule the other 30%

Tsipras Attaboy. How long will you give us?

EU Not long

Tspiras Can I make a suggestion?

EU Knock yourself out

Tspiras How about we’ll pay it back when the sun runs out of hydrogen and starts burning it’s helium core?

EU WHaat the…now just hold...How…what...You’re not…slumps down Fine. Whatever. Now get the hell out of here.

Tsipras Missing you already. Oh just one more thing.

EU

WHAT??

Tspiras You know that 3.5 billion Euros I owe you guys that’s due next week?

EU Yeeesss…..

Tsipras You couldn’t see your way to lending it to us  so we can pay you back, could you? Just till the tax receipts start pouring in. Shouldn't take long...

EU  GET OUT!!!!!

Tsipras – scuttling away OK, OK. Jeez, what a grouch.

Hello...

I'm Jeremy Vine

Coward

So I'm at home watching the budget

Osborne: "We are in the process of changing from a high tax high spending economy to a low tax low spending one..."

One nanosecond later on the screen comes:

"BREAKING NEWS...OSBORNE SAYS WE MUST CHANGE FROM A HIGH TAX HIGH SPENDING ECONOMY TO A LOW TAX LOW SPENDING ONE"

Who is this specific news service for? Not the blind. They can't see it. Not the deaf: they'd be listening to it on the radio. Perhaps it's for those with the memory of a goldfish. But that's no good is it? They's forget it as soon as it goes off the screen


Have we had our tea yet?

Anyway, he's nearly finished. He's just getting to the punchline

...and the one legged jockey says...

...when the doorbell goes.

It's one thirty in the afternoon, so it's either a meter reader

We've come to examine yer ducts...

or a bible basher

Have you heard the good news..?

or possibly

Open up! We have a suicidal mission for you on LV-426

But more likely one of these

Hello I'm collecting for...oh I see you've already given

And indeed it is a charity collector. She is about 25 and hysterically chirpy. I guess you have to be. It's probably a thankless task. I always try to be as polite as possible, But within three seconds she has thrust a picture of dogs into my personal space.

Now I have a problem with dogs. It's not that I have anything against them, it's just that I really do not like being anywhere near them. I don't like looking at them. I can't watch the television anymore because there currently seems to be a de facto rule that no advert or popular programme is allowed on the airwaves without a picture of a dog flashing up at least every ten seconds. I can't watch dogfood adverts. I can't watch the Andrex advert (it just makes me think of dogshit).

I have rehearsed this unlikely dog-charity-lady-at-the-door eventuality in my mind, and my reply is, "I'm so sorry, but this month I have given to the charity for distressed Merchant Banking Gentlefolk" but of course I don't say that. I chicken out. I wince and shy away from the picture, smile and give her a pound.

What a coward.

Sorry Merchant Bankers

Big Issue?

Best film ever

It's Sunday. It's raining on and off. The missus has gone out with the mother-in-law on some nefarious errand


Do join us, ladies. We're just playing Monopoly

I'm all alone, which gives me a chance to revisit the Best Film Ever Made.

Haven't seen it for a while. I know I've got a DVD somewhere.

I should really have a sort out

Aha! Here it is.

Any ideas?


Nothing so acclaimed


Close


Well, yes, of course, but apart from this one

None other than


Two hours, 51 minute special extended version. It was so long, the missus returned before it finished.

"Oh God," she says "not this again. The music makes it sound like it's the finale every 5 minutes, but it never seems to end."

I know what she means. Think I'll go for Bambi next time.