Where's the Ball?

You really cannot win on the train/bus/underground can you?

I mean, I can now avoid rush hour, with all the hideousness that it entails but between rush hours, you have to put up with the hellish kids and the triply hellish accompanying mothers

At the, on the face of it, civilised time of 11.30 this morning on the way to Highbury & Islington on the Overground, sitting next to me was a mother with her small child in a pushchair. The mother had a large picture book. The conversation went like this:

Part (a) This is what actually happened

Part (b) Fantasy, but it kept me sane until my stop

Part(a)

Mother where’s the ball? Where’s the ball? Is that the ball? Where’s the ball?

Child bbbbbrrrrmmmmm

Mother where’s the ball then? Where’s the ball? Can you point to it? Where’s the ball? Where’s the ball, then?

Child ppppffffftttttttt

Mother Who’s a clever girl. Are you a clever girly? Are you? Are you? Can you show mummy the ball? Can you? Can you? Where’s the ball? Where’s the ball? Show mummy then. Who’s a clever girl? Ooooo's a clever girly whirly, eh? eh? Where's the ball?

Child mmmmmmbbbbbrrrruuuppphhhmmmmmmm

Mother Where’s the ball? Where’s the ball? Where’s the ball, then? Where’s the ball? Show mummy the ball. Can you show mummy the ball? Where’s the ball? Where’s the ball? Where’s...

Part (b)
Me (ripping the book out of the mother’s hands and pressing it against the child’s face) LOOK! LOOK! YOU STUPID SNOTTY-NOSED PIG-IGNORANT PUG-UGLY SNIVELLING LITTLE GOBSHITE. THERE’S THE FECKING BALL!!! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY MISS IT??? HMMM??? I MEAN, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, IT’S FECKING BIG ENOUGH. YE GODS, IF IT WAS ANY BIGGER IT WOULD CRUSH THAT BASTARD SEAL GRINNING LIKE A LOBOTOMISED CRETIN TO TINY PIECES. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY MISS IT??

Now, by all that’s holy, will you please point the bloody thing out to your mother, so we can all get a bit of peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask?? Is it??

Thank you.

Jesus