What a sucker - again!!

I am that sucker. I am that North London wishywashy liberal left leaning member of the Muswell Hillbillies who bought that 5 litre can of olive oil


Scene: Hell

It is the monthly technical development and new product meeting, between the Devil and Archie Dudcock, the Director of The Association for Juice carton, Milk carton, and Olive Oil (metal tins) Pourer, Nozzle, and Spout Manufacturers , who sold his soul to the devil many many years ago.

Beelzebub: OK, show me what you've got.

Archie: well, since our last meeting, we've come up with this new tag for the semi-skimmed…

Beelzebub: is this the type where you have to undo the plastic strip around the top, or where you have to get the foil seal off the top once you've got the lid off?

Archie: (smirks) Both! We got two refinements. First, the plastic strip. Here, try and open this

Beelzebub: Okayyy…Hmm! The little tab fell off.

Archie: Tadaahhh!!! OK, so you've now got no way to get in, without the use of a knife. Tests have shown this to cause both milk AND blood loss. Now try the other one

Beelzebub: Here we go…OK, the top unscrews fine. Archie, am I going to be disappointed? You know how I get when I'm disappointed…

Archie (quickly): No, no Your Beastliness, go on, try and pull off the foil top…

Beelzebub: Well where's the little metal bit to pull it off with?

Archie: Tiny isn't it? Go on, give it a pull. Tab falls straight off, eh? Now stick your finger through the foil. No? Can't get through? That's because we've reinforced the foil with bomb-proof high tensile strength plastic AND you've got razor -like sharpened filthy fingernails, so what chance do mere mortals have eh?

Beelzebub: Blood and milk?

Archie: Blood and milk

Beelzebub: Cool. OK, gimme the juice news

Archie: Right, this is the very latest useless fad drink that all the schmucks are drinking. Pomegranate Juice

Beelzebub: Get outta here…

Archie: As God is my witness

Beelzebub: Seriously? God? Shall I text him for confirmation? OK, OK calm down. Just get on with it. Right, what have we here…Ooooh… I like it. Looks complicated…

Archie: It is complicated, Your Hideousness. For absolutely no good reason at all, it's hinged in the middle, causing instant confusion, impatience, and loss of motor coordination. Go on, open it

Beelzebub: Hmm, well I guess if I push here…Nothing. So I have to press a little harder…Goddamit!! All over my horns! Son of a…

Archie: Right, now try to pour it out

Beelzebub: Nothing happens!! Just a dribble!! Ooooh Archie, Archie…who's the Man?

Archie : Wait, there's more

Beelzebub: More? What, it's my birthday?

Archie: Please Oh Horned One, let me indulge you.

Beelzebub: So indulge, indulge…What's this? Archie, you've gone too far. Who's gonna buy this? It's too big.

Archie: Trust me: they're all the rage in the shops.

Beelzebub: Seriously?

Archie: Seriously. Believe me, Mr & Mrs Muswell Hill can't get enough of it. Waitrose, Sainsburys, Lidl of course, even Tesco for crying out loud. 250ml? Forget it. 500ml? Please. 1 Litre? Nah. Let me tell you, oh Cloven-Hooved One, no architecturally-designed, Tuscany-inspired, one-upmanship-driven six burner fitted kitchen is complete without a 5 litre tin of Italian Extra Virgin First Cold Pressing Olive Oil (with rosemary infused notes and a peppery aftertaste), sitting proudly next to the La Gaggia.

Beelzebub (whispering in anticipation): Shall I open it?

Archie: (smirking) Well you can try. First, you have to prise off the little metal cover, then try to hook your finger through the tiny plastic loop and pull up the spout, which will break, but not before almost severing the tip of your little finger, then you have to dig out the plastic bung with a knife. Then…

Beelzebub. What is this - Tomb Raider?

Archie: …then hook the knife, or fork, or spoon handle, or fondue fork into the hole and try to lever up the spout, and then…

Beelzebub: Blood and oil?

Archie: Give that Unholy One a crusty roll.

Beelzebub (sitting back and stretching). Well, I gotta hand it to you Archie, another winner

Archie: So…you'll let me off the lava pit and pitchforks for another month?

Beelzebub: Wellll…(his diabolical face breaks into a grin) get out of here you big lug!

Exit Archie mopping his brow

There is a knock on the portal

Beelzebub: Enter

Goblin: Your cocoa Oh Putrid One.

Beelzebub: Put it on the table. On a mat! On a mat! This isn't some X-factor waiting room you know. By the way is Simon Cowell due soon?

Goblin: Very soon, Sire. Oh, there is a delegation of new suicide bombers to see you sir.

Beelzebub: (wearily) Just put them on furnace duty like the other ones. And tell them the usual.

Goblin The usual?

Beelzebub  No refunds.