The Joy of Sticks

You know those old geezers who, staring straight ahead and deliberately nowhere near a zebra crossing, launch themselves out across the high street leading with their walking stick defiantly out front, straight into a stream of traffic so you have to either screech to a halt or swerve into oncoming traffic and you think in hindsight you should have run them over and done the world a favour, the stupid old phlemgy gits?



I'm one of them now, and I'm never going back.

4 weeks after the hip op, and I can get around pretty well except I cannot put all my weight on the operated leg, so need a stick to get about, especially on walks and public transport.

It is amazing what a stick and a filthy look gets you.

My stick is just the one from the hospital


But I am seriously thinking of getting this one



As befits my Don't Mess With The Man With The Stick look

So here are a few helpful hints for the novice stick walker:

At the bus stop:
As the bus approaches, wave your stick at the bus in a flailing manner, making sure you sideswipe that mother with the double buggy who is trying to sidle in front of you. Try and poke the screaming occupant of said buggy in the eye while you're at it for added distraction.

Once boarded, make damn sure you stagger about as much as possible, otherwise the bastard behind the wheel



will take off before you've found a seat.

Even if there are unoccupied seats, make a beeline for someone who looks like this



and demand they give up their seat for you. Trust me: a stick is worth a thousand AK-47's in the right hands.

In the cafe:
OK, you've got your naked bold grande cafe au lait skinny extra double shot white chocolate vanilla and 4 pumps peppermint-caramel mocha-frappachino with a fried egg on top in one hand, and your stick in the other. You look for a seat. They're all occupied by either



or



Decide who is most annoying. Wobble over to their vicinity and lean heavily on your stick. Do not look directly at them. Wince. Sigh heavily and if you can manage it, affect a phlegmy cough.

Be patient

Wait for it.

"Erm...actually we were just going..."

There you go.

At the zebra crossing: No need anymore. Choose any spot on the high street. Remember: you are one of them now



Right. Off to the M25 for a leisurely stroll