Thursday, 18 August 2016


Trump's new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said today of Trump, who has never held any elected office:

"He doesn't look at things through a political lens like traditional politicians. It's very refreshing that Donald Trump speaks the way Americans speak."

Hmmm okay, errrr...that's a good thing is it?

So if Trump were a car mechanic for example, I guess this is how a conversation would go:

Customer Hello, I've brought my car in as it's making a kind of knocking noise every time I change gear

Car mechanic Trump Yeah, I get that a lot. Sort of a grinding, knocking grating noise?

Customer Yes that's it! So refreshing to finally talk to someone who speaks my language!

Trump Well what can I say? I like to think I'm on the same level as any regular Joe

Customer Well that's just great. So. Can you fix it?

Trump What? Oh, no no. No, I don't have the first clue about how these things actually work...

Tuesday, 17 May 2016


I have a rather embarrassing confession.

I have taken up pilates.

I had a hip replacement a couple of years ago and it has never been right. I mean the joint is OK, but my muscles have never regained their strength properly, mainly due to the lack of intensive physiotherapy I should have got after the op, but because I had it done privately, they essentially chuck you out the door as soon as they've got their cash, and clearly there's not much money in physio stuff.

Oh, so you think the world owes you some physiotherapy, just because you've had your hip replaced on private medical insurance do you? Why, you're just a miserable rotten little jumped up middle class loser. You're lucky we didn't take your leg off in part payment.
Get out, and don't come back until you've given us some more money...

I'm OK walking when I get going, but if I'm shuffling round an art gallery, I have more in common with


So despite my  Retirement Pledge, I thought I'd give it a go.

But not in a class

Hello Mr S and welcome to your first lesson. We'll start off by ridiculing you in front of all these bendy young people.

Oh no. This is just me and the instructor in the comfort of my own home.

I've had my first lesson, which was mostly spent trying to figure out how I was going to get down on the floor.

A hearty congratulations from my pilates instructor as I finally make it to the floor.

My first homework task is to stand on a spikey ball until it hurts

Here you are love. We'll start you off with a small one

Friday, 8 April 2016

Another billion brain cells...

...down the drain.

Was sitting quietly last night with the missus. We were both reading. Suddenly she said rather loudly, "what did you say??"

"Eh? I didn't say anything!

"er...did I?"

"God will see you now"

Thursday, 24 March 2016

Booking system, turkish style

Booked a table for four tonight at

Hello there. I am a tremendously popular though unpronounceable local Turkish restaurant

Conversation went like this

"Hello yes?"
"Yes can I book a table for four at eight this evening please?"
"What time?"
"Eight this evening"
"Eight people"
"No for four at eight"
"Okay okay you tell me. What name please?"
"How do is it spell?"
"P-e-t-e-.. are you still there?"
"Yes you tell me please"
"P - e - t - e - r"
"Okay good. See you tonight"
"Okay thank you, yes we'll be there at eight. Name of Peter"
"Yes okay Thomas. See you tonight"

Actually, it didn't matter. When we got there they didn't have any reservation under any name.

Great meal though. Highly recommended. Booking essential

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Rising Damp and The Master Builder

Went to see Ibsen's The Master Builder starring Ralph Feinnes.

Hello. I'm Ralph Feinnes. I'm terribly handsome.

It was very very good, especially Mr Feinnes.

Except he looked and sounded exactly like Rigsby

Ralph Feinnes in The Master Builder

 I must tell you Hilda, what this sort of luck feels like! It feels like a great raw place here on my breast!!!

Leonard Rossiter in Rising Damp

Myyyyyyy God Miss Jones, but you look absolutely rrrravishing tonight
Oh Mr Rigsby! Whatever next???

Friday, 12 February 2016

Nosferatu of Alexandra Palace

So I'm at the docs a few days ago for a blood test.
My name is called and in I go to see the nurse. It is not the usual one.

She has a go at my left arm.
"Hmmm, now where has that vein gone?" Tap, tap, squeeze, fumble, STAB
"Hmmm, we seem to be losing the flow. What's going on here then?"

By now I'm feeling a bit woozy. She starts digging about and after a few minutes gives up, bandages my arm, and says, "OK, well, we'd better have a go at the other one."

Christ. I'm definitely getting a touch of the vapours

So she starts digging away again and finally, finally, manages to get a tubeful. She's just bandaged up my second arm, when in walks another nurse who stops dead, looks at Nurse No. 1 and says,
"Who are you?"


"Now just a little prick..."

I leg it before the new one tries to get another armful.
I have no idea who the first one was, but I did get the results back a few days later. Everything was OK, except apparently I'm 4 weeks pregnant.

I made that last bit up, but only the last bit...

Wednesday, 27 January 2016


Just been planning a trip to Rome: looking at various dates. I do NOT want to be there at Easter. The place will be a nightmare. You won't be able to move for nuns

this is either Rome, or possibly the Death Star

Anyway, we're looking at the diary and the missus says, "well we'll be OK for the second week of April: Easter is early this year."

And I thought, you never hear someone say, "Easter is on time this year."

Christ almighty can't this thing go any faster? I'm late for Easter