Letterbox Ninja Attack

Came home last week and found an enormous lump stuck halfway through my letter box. No note, no indication of what it was or who had wedged it there.

Opened the front door and went inside. On the doormat was a little yellow bow that had clearly been ripped off the lump and another wrapped up parcel. I grappled with the stuck lump, trying to pull it through. Absolutely bloody inpossible. It was like having a breezeblock stuck there.

After about fifteen minutes of heavy work, I managed to get it to move a bit and over the next half hour, bit by bit, I got it through. Finally, it came away and landed on the hall floor with an almightly crash that shook the foundations. I tried to pick it up. It was like picking up a paving stone. Here is the package


No note. No indication of what bastard had attempted to demolish my front door.
I think it had been gift wrapped, as there were bits of tattered yellow ribbon still clinging to the ripped box.

Also, it was my birthday the next day.

I then got a text from a (previously) dear friend warning me that I  may find something to my advantage for my birthday stuck in the letterbox.

As the gift was mostly by now unwrapped, I couldn't resist opening it to see how my life was going tp be advantaged, and this is what I found


A pink lump of  depleted uranium, judging by the weight

I particularly appreciated the polystyrene quavers doing an excellent job of protecting the lump of depleted uranium from the damaging effect of the flimsy cardboard it came in.

I rang her up. "What the fuuuuuck?????", I said by way of greeting.

"It's your birthdasy present," she said in reply, and by way of explanation, "I wanted to give you something special."
"What, a hernia??"


"Sorry. It got stuck and I couldn't get it in or out. Did you find the other present?"

"Another present? A colonoscopy gift voucher perhaps?"

"Calm down, you misery. There was another parcel. That will explain everything, but no peeking til your birthday"

I unwrapped the pink lump


Well I'm none the wiser

So it's next day, and I eagerly unwrap the other parcel. Turns out to be a recipe book for a Pakistani Pink Himalayan Salt Block. AHA!

All is revealed.

Now I just need a Pakistani Pink Himalayan Doctor to put my hernia back.

Dragan

You remember the incredibly tall builder called Dragan?

Well he's just redone our teeny weeny bathroom.

Here he is midway through the renovations


TILES!!!  GOOD!!!!!!

This is a very unusual picture of him, because as he is so tall. He is usually looking down on things. In fact, these windows are actually twelve feet in the air.

When I looked at this picture, I noticed the top of his head. Usually, you need to hack into NORAD and reposition one of the US military satellites to get a shot of the top of his head.

Amyway, I noticed that he seems to be getting a bit thin on top. I mentioned this to Dragan.

He did not like it, and it then occured to me that it would probably have been wiser not to mention this until AFTER he'd finished the bathroom.

However, being the decent chap he is, and with the aid of a few trolley-loads of biscuits, he finished the task.

Looks fantastic.

Here is a picture of the missus taking an inaugural bath


Oooh look. He's missed a bit of grouting...

I'm crazy, me

I've just applied for my 60+ Oyster Card.

In a couple of weeks, I shall be able to travel free in London.

Day 1, I'm going to take the tube to Theydon Bois.

Why?

Because I can

I just don't care


Hey cat, I'm hip to the groove

Spring has Sprung

Our house, being a late Victorian build, and still featuring original windows and window frames, is like Siberia from Oct - April.


Do come through to the snug

But today, for the first time this year, I have detected a whiff of a thaw. Just went out to get a pint of milk, and here is a picture of our front garden


...and a picture of our street


Lovely!!

Yahtzee!

Had everyone round for Sunday Easter lunch: roast duck and all the trimmings


Who wants a drumstick?

Anyway, great success, lovely day, and later in the afternoon my son said, "let's play Yahtzee".

No sooner said than done, I go get it. Now for anyone who does not know, Yahtzee is a game of skill and chance involving 5 dice

This is what they should look like


Hello there. We are the Yahtzee dice

Indeed, this is what they looked like when I last put them in the Yahtzee box.

This is what I found when I opened the box


WTF??

That Leader's Debate in Full

Less borrowing for a stronger economy. And by the way, did you notice how I had a few hairs out of place in my parting to show that it’s not about personal appearance, it’s about the policies

Whoa there Dave.  A little more borrowing for a stronger economy. Damn it. I forgot to lean slightly on the podium for that endearing, relaxed, effect.

You two are crazy. A little more borrowing than you two for a stronger economy. And personally, I don’t go with the hair out of place look. I think the british public, who I absolutely respect, even though they smell and are thick as pigshit, would see straight through that.”

You are all crazy.  The solution is clearly more borrowing than you guys for a stronger economy. And did you notice how I nicked the Clegg look and leaned on the podium slightly to the left giving me a relaxed look. This is because I feel pretty damn relaxed. I can’t possibly lose. I shall try to knock chunks out of Miliband to look like I’m independent and standing up for Scotland. That way everyone will vote for us, we’ll get 50+ seats, and then we can prop up a Labour government and Wallace will give us everything we want. BOOM!!!

Er...basically, what she said and give Wales more money

Hey guys, you need to think out of the box. We should borrow as much as we like. Money doesn’t matter: the planet does. Where’s everybody gone?

Sorry Natalie. No one cares about the planet anymore. There’s a recession on you know.

Well, as I always predicted, they’re all the same. Just politicians doing the Westminster thing. Bloody politicians. Look, what you see with me is what you get. I’m just an ordinary bloke, and as an ordinary bloke, I can see the wood from the trees. All this great country of ours needs is to pull up the drawbridge and get back to the fifties when homosexuals could be chemically castrated and the coons kept in their place.

Personally, I was torn between Masterchef and the Leaders Debate but in the end I decided to combine them and masturbate instead.