Letterbox Ninja Attack

Came home last week and found an enormous lump stuck halfway through my letter box. No note, no indication of what it was or who had wedged it there.

Opened the front door and went inside. On the doormat was a little yellow bow that had clearly been ripped off the lump and another wrapped up parcel. I grappled with the stuck lump, trying to pull it through. Absolutely bloody inpossible. It was like having a breezeblock stuck there.

After about fifteen minutes of heavy work, I managed to get it to move a bit and over the next half hour, bit by bit, I got it through. Finally, it came away and landed on the hall floor with an almightly crash that shook the foundations. I tried to pick it up. It was like picking up a paving stone. Here is the package


No note. No indication of what bastard had attempted to demolish my front door.
I think it had been gift wrapped, as there were bits of tattered yellow ribbon still clinging to the ripped box.

Also, it was my birthday the next day.

I then got a text from a (previously) dear friend warning me that I  may find something to my advantage for my birthday stuck in the letterbox.

As the gift was mostly by now unwrapped, I couldn't resist opening it to see how my life was going tp be advantaged, and this is what I found


A pink lump of  depleted uranium, judging by the weight

I particularly appreciated the polystyrene quavers doing an excellent job of protecting the lump of depleted uranium from the damaging effect of the flimsy cardboard it came in.

I rang her up. "What the fuuuuuck?????", I said by way of greeting.

"It's your birthdasy present," she said in reply, and by way of explanation, "I wanted to give you something special."
"What, a hernia??"


"Sorry. It got stuck and I couldn't get it in or out. Did you find the other present?"

"Another present? A colonoscopy gift voucher perhaps?"

"Calm down, you misery. There was another parcel. That will explain everything, but no peeking til your birthday"

I unwrapped the pink lump


Well I'm none the wiser

So it's next day, and I eagerly unwrap the other parcel. Turns out to be a recipe book for a Pakistani Pink Himalayan Salt Block. AHA!

All is revealed.

Now I just need a Pakistani Pink Himalayan Doctor to put my hernia back.