How to shop online

OK this is how it is supposed to work.

THEORY:

"Now you're not working, let's order the basics online each week - very quick and easy - should only take a few minutes..."


Picture of me ordering online. It is so easy, I am literally pissing myself with delight

"...then you can go shopping each day for the specifics for supper. It'll be very continental: popping down to the market each day to get the freshest ingredients..."

I have to say I am excited. Fired up with visions of urine-soaked trousers of happiness and me skipping round the local markets with my trug basket as I fill up with mountains of the freshest locally-sourced ingredients.


Here is my shopping basket that I will fill with wonderful produce ably assisted by fairies and unicorns

PRACTICE 

(...after 90 FECKING MINUTES trying to set up the bastard account with Morrisons). The missus is inputting the order. I'm dictating to her:

"Toilet paper...no not Andrex - it always makes me think of dogshit

"Encona original hot pepper sauce - that reminds me - can you get some moist wetwipes too

"Onions - I want big ones. Not that packet, no not that one, no they're red ones. Not white ones for chrissake - I JUST WANT ORDINARY ONIONS. Where the hell are ordinary onions? Go back a page. Are they onions? What's that a picture of? Christ it could be goats' bollocks. Look just click on the thing. If it's goats' bollocks we'll invite the neighbours round for supper. That'll serve them right for trying to strike up conversations when we put out the recycling.

"Get some Ribena would you. No not blackcurrant juice: tastes of Harpic. Get the sugar free...no not Ribena lite, not low sugar, not full fat, not jumbo, not fun sized JESUS why don't they just do PLAIN????

"A cabbage - yes that one. I want a big one. How can I tell what size it is ffs. Can't they get a picture of it next to a...a...I don't know. A Saturn 5 rocket or something. Then I can judge the size. I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID SATURN 5 ROCKET...just...just order the fecking thing"


OK get that kid out of the way: he's standing in front of the bastard cabbage

"Three packs of butter - don't get the poncey french one. Just get the bog standard one. No not that one - that's unsalted - tastes of soap

...and on and on

I could have crawled to the shop on my belly...


Oooh look there's Tesco

...and been back with a full load by the time we'd submitted the order

Never mind. I'm looking forward to my market shopping. UNNNfortunately the closest market is Wood Green. Here's what's in my mind as I set out


Oh this is going to be fantastic: fresh fish...seafood everyday...mmm

Here's what I find


"Getcha gravel, getcha lovely hot gravel..."

OK slight exaggeration

This is actually what my local market looks like


But as you can see, only slight exaggeration. Hold on, here's a better picture, so you can really get the atmosphere



Can I interest you in some tartiflette?

Supper tonight:

Aperitif
Kir a la mode (fun-sized low fat starch-reduced Ribena triple-lite)

Entree
Cabbage enrobed with Encona chilli sauce

ensuite