I note further advice that says to check on elderly neighbours
Don't think I'll bother thanks, so have been stuck in all day, and produced this...with apologies to Woody Allen and Terry Pratchett, amongst others probably.
Lights! Action!
Scene Shabby office interior. There is a portly gent sitting at a scuffed Ikea dining table acting as a desk. There are a few papers strewn about.
The gent is writing out an invoice. There’s no-one else there. The buzzer goes.
Simsqu yes?
DEATH I have come for you
Simsqu are you here about the gutters?
DEATH What? NO! Let me in! I have come for you
Simsqu Because they’re completely clogged with leaves…
DEATH (sighing loudly) Look, just let me in
Simsqu OK,OK, whoever you are. Fourth floor. And the lift’s out.
DEATH WHAT??
Simsqu You heard me matey. You want to see me, fourth floor
DEATH (rustling paperwork) Jeez, there’s nothing down here about that…OK, OK, I'm on my way...
I buzz him in. 5 minutes later there is a knock on the door. I open it, and a tall, black robed, hooded figure stands there, bent over, panting. He has a huge sickle in one hand, and the other hand is leaning heavily on the doorjam.
Simsqu OK, you can go right back down mister, Hollowe’en was last week, and in any case, I’d hazard a guess you are over six years of age, and where’s your mum?
DEATH getting his breath back four flights! Can I sit down?
Simsqu Who are you?
DEATH Who do I look like?
Simsqu How are you going to get at the gutters in that outfit?
DEATH I’M NOT HERE ABOUT THE GUTTERS!
Simsqu OK, calm down. Look, you can get your breath back, but I’m in the middle of doing invoices…
DEATH Hah! You won’t need invoices where you’re going. Can I sit down please? I just need a moment
Simsqu Sure. But make it quick
DEATH glides across the threshold and makes for my chair
Simsqu Hey! That’s my chair. You take the stool
DEATH Oh, excuse me Four flights and he offers me the stool. How about a glass of water?
Simsqu Anything else?
DEATH A hobnob?
Simsqu exasperated Who are you? You look terrible. You look like death.
DEATH Four flights and I’m supposed to look like Keira Knightly? DEATH sits down heavily on the stool As a matter of fact, I am death. And as I said at the beginning, I have come for you
Simsqu Really? What, now? Before I’ve finished writing my invoice?
DEATH WILL YOU FORGET THE INVOICE ALREADY!
Simsqu WHAT, SO MY CLIENTS GET WORK DONE FOR FREE???
I stand there defiantly with my hands on my hips. DEATH has his arms folded tightly across his bony chest.
DEATH How much is it for?
Simsqu conspiratorially £750.00+VAT
DEATH OK, but hurry up. I haven’t got all day.
I get DEATH a glass of water, sit down and carry on typing
Simsqu So you’re really here for me, eh? The real thing?
DEATH Have you got a biscuit?
Simsqu Shouldn’t you have come out with a packed lunch or something? I mean, I get that you have come for my soul, but I don’t remember anything from my bible studies about hobnobs
DEATH (defensively) Look, I wasn’t expecting four flights, OK? What can I say? I’ve got low blood sugar
Simsqu In that tin over there. Next to the muesli
DEATH Hah! Thought that would give you a few more years, eh? You may as well have eaten eggs fried in lard, all the good it did you.
DEATH looks in the tin Oooh Jammy Dodgers. That’ll do. he sits down again, happily munching on his biscuit
Simsqu So…what now?
DEATH What now? I get my breath back, I transport you to the everafter
Simsqu You mean Heaven?
DEATH I didn’t say that
Simsqu Hell?
DEATH Didn’t say that either. I am not at liberty to tell you. Suffice it to say, it’s one or the other
Simsqu Says who?
DEATH Says the Big Cheese upstairs
Simsqu Aha! So it is Heaven
DEATH I never said that!
Simsqu Well if it had been Hell, you would have said the Big Cheese downstairs
DEATH I..I…look, it’s a secret, OK. Brushing the crumbs off his cloak, DEATH stands up unsteadily Right, now if you’ll just pass us the biscuit barrel, we’ll be off…
Simsqu You’re taking not only my soul, but my Jammy Dodgers?
DEATH Well..I still feel a bit woozy
Simsqu I’m not going.
DEATH incredulous Er…HELLLOOO…I’m death. The Grim Reaper. You don’t have a choice.
Simsqu But why do I have to go anywhere. Can’t I just die and stay here?
DEATH What, here? With a packet of muesli, a bashed up filing cabinet, and an out of date computer running a very old version of windows XP sitting on top of what appears to be a landfill site for all eternity? You know Microsoft has stopped supporting XP don't you?
Simsqu I..er...I did hear something about that, yes.
DEATH Well there you go. Nothing left to live for now, so...DEATH clicks his bony fingers (it sounds like castenets)...on your feet and let's go...
Simsqu Look, if it’s all the same to you, when I die I’d rather not go to heaven, but just stay home
DEATH Home?
Simsqu 76 Lobelia Avenue, Enfield. Just past the post box.
DEATH stares openmouthed. Ye Gods, I’m offering you Heaven!
Simsqu Well, what’s it got?
DEATH WHAT’S IT GOT? It..it..it’s got…well…er..Ah! Think of all that milk…
Simsqu Lactose intolerant
DEATH …and honey
Simsqu Diabetic
DEATH But it’s all green fields, warm breezes, rolling hills
Simsqu I could go to Hampstead Heath for that
DEATH Bu...but...everyone’s happy, and it’s all lovely and…
Simsqu Do they have cable?
DEATH Do they… what??
Simsqu You heard me. Do they have cable? Can I get The Big Bang Theory?
DEATH Can you get…Look! Goddamit! I’m offering you HEAVEN! It’s what everyone wants! You don’t NEED cable. You’ve got…
Simsqu Yes, you’ve said what I’ve got. A bunch of trees and bottles of milk turning sour in the warm breezes. If I am dead, then if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather spend eternity on my sofa.
DEATH Unbelievable. Look, I haven’t got time for this. A ferry across the River Styx awaits
Simsqu The 121 bus to Enfield will do.
DEATH Oh this is ridiculous. Even if I wanted to, I am not allowed…
Simsqu You’re not allowed? Says who? The Big Cheese? Come on man, step up to the plate. You’re DEATH for God’s sake. The Ultimate Harbinger of Doom. The Grim Reaper, The Pale Rider. It’s about time you took control of your own destiny. What are you, some lacky?
DEATH No! I’m DEATH!
Simsqu Of course you are!
DEATH I do what I please!
Simsqu Damn tootin!!
DEATH I mean, who the HELL does he think he is? Sitting up there, mister high and bloody mighty, giving out orders. To ME!!
Simsqu The nerve!
DEATH Enfield did you say?
Simsqu Let’s saddle up pardner. Do you know the way?
DEATH tapping his pocket Satnav. Don’t forget the invoice. We’ll pop it in the postbox on the way
Simsqu Attaboy. Big Bang Theory? Indian Takeaway?
...and one pilau rice
DEATH I'm buying
Simsqu God bless you
DEATH Fat chance
exeunt
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