Nosferatu of Alexandra Palace

So I'm at the docs a few days ago for a blood test.
My name is called and in I go to see the nurse. It is not the usual one.


She has a go at my left arm.
"Hmmm, now where has that vein gone?" Tap, tap, squeeze, fumble, STAB
"Hmmm, we seem to be losing the flow. What's going on here then?"


By now I'm feeling a bit woozy. She starts digging about and after a few minutes gives up, bandages my arm, and says, "OK, well, we'd better have a go at the other one."


Christ. I'm definitely getting a touch of the vapours



So she starts digging away again and finally, finally, manages to get a tubeful. She's just bandaged up my second arm, when in walks another nurse who stops dead, looks at Nurse No. 1 and says,
"Who are you?"


WHAT THE HELL?

"Now just a little prick..."


I leg it before the new one tries to get another armful.
I have no idea who the first one was, but I did get the results back a few days later. Everything was OK, except apparently I'm 4 weeks pregnant.


I made that last bit up, but only the last bit...

Easter

Just been planning a trip to Rome: looking at various dates. I do NOT want to be there at Easter. The place will be a nightmare. You won't be able to move for nuns



this is either Rome, or possibly the Death Star


Anyway, we're looking at the diary and the missus says, "well we'll be OK for the second week of April: Easter is early this year."


And I thought, you never hear someone say, "Easter is on time this year."



Christ almighty can't this thing go any faster? I'm late for Easter

Yellow Pages

Sorting out the recycling, I see a small A5 sized booklet 1/4 inch thick. It was the Yellow Pages. "When did this arrive?" I say to the missus. "yesterday. Threw it straight in the bin. Who uses that anymore?"

Good point. I remember when it came in two hefty volumes that landed with a foundation-shaking thump on the doorstep. No chance of getting it through the letterbox.

I had a quick riffle through and I instantly knew the answer to my wife's question as to who uses it. The main categories were:

Stairlift Manufacturers
Mobility specialists
Will & Probate Solicitors
Monumental Masons & Gravestone tenderers


and so forth plus a smattering of plumbers, roof fixers and gutter clearers.

Yellow Pages now cater to the last few in the kingdom who don't automatically click on google for stuff.


And I never really noticed.


What else has been going on without me noticing I wonder?

Interview

Well that was strange

Just had my first job interview for 39 years. Am applying for a PGCE course, which is the post-graduate teacher training qualification. I want to teach mathematics. Not for 14 year old spotty herberts flicking rubber bands at each other or whatever the hell else they do nowadays for entertainment, but as a mathematics lecturer for "mature" students, ie proper adults at an proper adult education college; just a few sessions a week with any luck.

I had to give a short presentation about the state of education. I am afraid I kind of laid into current government policy a bit, but to their credit, the interviewers thought it was pretty good and laughed in all the right places.

The actual interview was fine: said all the right things about inclusiveness and equal opportunities.



I shall let that pass Blotwell Minor, as I can see that you are suffering from low self esteem brought on by lack of inclusiveness within your equal opportunities peer group. Now run along and help yourself to a chocolate finger

what they said "I think you will fit in very well"
what they meant "Old crusties like being taught by old crusties"



OK listen up. I said LISTEN UP!! Today we are going to tackle second order non-linear partial differential equations. Any questions? I said ANY...

Then I had to have a mathematics test WHICH WAS REALLY HARD. To be honest, the mathematics was trivial, What was hard was trying to figure out what the hell the question was asking. They were all along the lines of:

"A train leaves Glasgow at 12.33 in the morning with 67 people and three bicycles on baord, and again half an hour later, but travelling at 102 mph in a northerly direction before heading for Cannes. If another train leaves Liverpool 54 minutes before the second train reaches Calais, and 123 people get off at Crewe but leave their bicycles behind, what's the name of the engine driver?"

I managed to get through it, but I am now feeling a little less confident.

Said they'd let me know in a few days.

Here's hoping, otherwise it's back to Jeremy Kyle and the Wood Green Senior Citizens Silver Screen Club (with free tea & biscuits) every Tuesday afternoon

The very definition of luxury

Just in case you have missed the news, Monday at noon at the Wood Green Vue Cinema Complex is The Seniors' Club, where you can get a ticket for a movie (we saw The Intern), a cup of tea and a biscuit for the very reasonable sum of £3.29, providing you are over 60.


Me and the missus went along with ID





but the ticket chappie took one look at us and handed over tickets, tea, and shortbread without batting an eyelid.  I mean, he could at least have looked a bit doubtful couldn't he?


So in we stumbled with about 20 other zombies, settled down in our very comfy seat, sipped our tea, and unwrapped a delicious and very buttery shortbread biscuit. A little crumbly, but you can't have everything.


As I sat back and watched the adverts, I felt I was at a roman orgy



I say Caligula, pass the Hob Nobs

Hypochondriac, with mitigating circumstances

Sorry, not been posting very much lately. Lost my mojo. I blame my socks. I have far too many because I just can't help buying them. Three pairs for £10 - who wouldn't?


Anyway, a close friend of mine recently went to the doc's because he had what he thought was a large floater in his eye





Turned out he was getting a detached retina, so had an op, and although he had to lie with his head horizontal for five days

Picture of the patient lying down, assisted by his missus, before they'd got the seating arrangements sorted out


he seems to have made a full recovery.




So of course, since then, I have been scrutinizing my eyes and sure enough, a week or so ago, I developed a ton of floaters in my left eye.


Mentioned it to my missus, who suggested going to see the optician, so last Friday, I made an appointment for this morning. Of course I spent all weekend and yesterday googling white sticks, learning braille and generally coming to terms with the fact that I was going blind and probably also had an inoperable brain tumor.


My missus was very sympathetic, said it was probably nothing, but I could see she was worried, which made me more anxious.


So off I went this morning to the opticians, and bade a tearful farewell to her. She was being very brave. To be honest, I was almost more worried about her than me, and all the way to the appointment I was imagining her devoting the rest of her life to looking after this brilliant but tragically flawed and blind genius.

Picture of me in my heyday. What a waste.


Anyway, they do various tests and take pictures of my retinas and turns out I'm fine. Just a symptom of getting on a bit, but was told to "keep an eye on it". Big joke.




So I come out, full of the joys of spring and can't wait to give the missus the good news, so I call her. Takes an age to pick up. Conversation goes like this


"Hi it's me!"


"Who was on the phone?"


"What?"


"aren't you upstairs?"


"What? NO!! I've just come out from the opticians"


"Oh, OK. When did you go out then?"

What a view

Four weeks today since my op. Two steps forward, one step back. Feeling quite a bit stronger now and going for longer & longer walks. Weight seems to have stabilised just under 80Kilos.


Went for a lovely, autumnal blustery but bright walk this morning through Ally Pally



 Hello. Ally Pally here. I'm not quite sure what I'm for.


Beautiful view across North London with the sun glinting off the Edmonton Incinerator



Did you know that from the top of the Edmonton Incinerator, you can see five continents?