Takeaway Rules

Having the neighbours round tomorrow evening for an Indian Takeaway. Following previous experiences, I have drawn up the Takeaway Rules, which I shall press into their moist palms as they arrive, and shall not allow them across the threshold until they sign a copy. I never thought they were necessary. I thought every carbon-based lifeform had the Takeaway Rules encoded in their DNA.

Not so.

Okay here we go.


Rule 1: Never say the following:
"Oooo I think that's too much. I don't do Aubergine." Well don't eat it then
"I don't do spicy." Well what the hell are we doing eating Indian?
"Do they have chips?" No, this is an indian takeaway, not a booth on Blackpool seafront you oik
"I don't really do rice. I'll just have some of yours." NO YOU FECKING WON'T


Rule 2:
Never order a Korma. They look and taste like baby sick

Do you want Nan bread with that?

Rule 3:
Main dishes: one each. NO SHARING  (see rule 4)
Veg/rice/breads to share, but only if you have expressed an interest beforehand. You will be required to produce an affidavit notarised by a Justice of the Peace to that effect.

Please, please can I have some of the peshwari nan? I only want a nibble


Rule 4: Anyone plunging their fork into my Lamb Madras saying, "wot's this like then?" without asking permission will be treated appropriately

I just wanted to try the sauce...

Bloody neighbours