Off...

...on my hols.


Hope the hotel's OK



You idiot! I can't stay here...there's no minibar...

Judge Spanker and the Naughty Juror

Hungry House, Just Eat, all those online takeaway ordering services are making my in-house Indian Dining Experience a bloody nightmare.

It's Friday night. You're in the local Indian for an agreeable dinner with friends. Not that full. You get drinks and papadums relatively quickly. They take your order.

And you wait.

And wait.

And wait a bit more.

Excuse me, is our food nearly ready?
Any second now, Sir

Every 5 minutes the kitchen door opens and another brown bag is reverentially rushed out of the place, onto the back of a scooter and whisked away as if it's a freshly harvested heart on the way to a waiting team of transplant surgeons.

We're losing him doctor
Quick! 2 units of tikka masala sauce



WHAT ABOUT US? We're right here! In front of you! Err...HELLOOOO.



Of course the reason real live customers in the restaurant take such low priority is because these fecking online sites all guarantee your Lamb Tikka Achari within twelve nanoseconds or it's free. No such guarantee required for warm bodies in front of them.

Anyway, enough is enough.

So last night, we're in the restaurant, and it's the usual routine. Drinks, papadums, order given, wait, wait, live organ trade very brisk, and the missus has had enough.

What does she do? Tentatively put her hand up and ask politely if our food will be much longer? Not a bit of it.

She gets her phone and rings them up. I can hear both sides of the conversation because the waiter answering is about 5 yards away.

"Hello Wedontcare Tandoori how can I help you?"
"Yes I got your number from Hungry House and would like to order a takeaway please"
"Certainly madam, we can deliver that to you right away."
"How long will it take?"
"Guaranteed delivery in 15 minutes or it's free"
"Fantastic"
"Can I have your address please?"
"Yes, we're sitting in the Wedontcare Tandoori 5 yards away from your head AND WE'D LIKE OUR SUPPER"

5 minutes later it's on the table.

We may now both be retired, but we had a round of Judge Spanker and the Naughty Juror that night I can tell you

Specsavers

There are 1480 spectacles on display at the Specsavers in Crouch End

Spectacles? We got 'em

How do I know? Because the missus tried on EVERY PAIR, that's how, and I had to comment on every one.
What she said: Do you think these make me look intellectual?
What I said: Yes, but perhaps a little heavy for your refined features
What I thought



What she said: I think the blue really compliments by skin tone
What I said: Indeed, although your skin tone needs no flattery
What I thought



What she said: Do you think my eyes would benefit from a rounder frame?
What I said: Your eyes are quite beautiful without any embellishments
What I thought

or possibly



What she said: How about just rimless ones? Do these work?
What I said: Well they certainly accentuate your features
What I thought

AAAARRRGGHHHHH!!!


After about 43 years, we eventually settled on

What she said:You don't think these are too masculine?
What I said: Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Takeaway Rules

Having the neighbours round tomorrow evening for an Indian Takeaway. Following previous experiences, I have drawn up the Takeaway Rules, which I shall press into their moist palms as they arrive, and shall not allow them across the threshold until they sign a copy. I never thought they were necessary. I thought every carbon-based lifeform had the Takeaway Rules encoded in their DNA.

Not so.

Okay here we go.


Rule 1: Never say the following:
"Oooo I think that's too much. I don't do Aubergine." Well don't eat it then
"I don't do spicy." Well what the hell are we doing eating Indian?
"Do they have chips?" No, this is an indian takeaway, not a booth on Blackpool seafront you oik
"I don't really do rice. I'll just have some of yours." NO YOU FECKING WON'T


Rule 2:
Never order a Korma. They look and taste like baby sick

Do you want Nan bread with that?

Rule 3:
Main dishes: one each. NO SHARING  (see rule 4)
Veg/rice/breads to share, but only if you have expressed an interest beforehand. You will be required to produce an affidavit notarised by a Justice of the Peace to that effect.

Please, please can I have some of the peshwari nan? I only want a nibble


Rule 4: Anyone plunging their fork into my Lamb Madras saying, "wot's this like then?" without asking permission will be treated appropriately

I just wanted to try the sauce...

Bloody neighbours

Titanic

This is getting serious. Three days to go till she retires. I have been kind of half-assing my way through everything.

A typical day looks like this:

Missus leaves for work.

Get up. Not sure what the hell I'm doing today.

Let's try a different shade of mascara today

Maybe have something for breakfast. Not sure what the hell to have.

How about Liver in Lager?

Spend the morning wondering what the hell to do

Hey, you wanna catch that Doris Day retrospective at The NFT?

Have lunch if I can find something

WAITER!! Another bowl of miso soup, and be quick about it

Spend the afternoon half-assing about, dealing with door to door salesmen...

Oh yes, sorry to disturb you sir, but we are in the area selling replacement windows...

Evening: the Missus comes home from work. I make up some half-assed story as to what the hell I have been doing all day.

I think she has a list..

Is that an iceberg I see on the horizon?

Well I guess I could tidy my study. There's nothing else needs doing is there?