Trump

Trump's new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said today of Trump, who has never held any elected office:

"He doesn't look at things through a political lens like traditional politicians. It's very refreshing that Donald Trump speaks the way Americans speak."

Hmmm okay, errrr...that's a good thing is it?

So if Trump were a car mechanic for example, I guess this is how a conversation would go:

Customer Hello, I've brought my car in as it's making a kind of knocking noise every time I change gear

Car mechanic Trump Yeah, I get that a lot. Sort of a grinding, knocking grating noise?

Customer Yes that's it! So refreshing to finally talk to someone who speaks my language!

Trump Well what can I say? I like to think I'm on the same level as any regular Joe

Customer Well that's just great. So. Can you fix it?

Trump What? Oh, no no. No, I don't have the first clue about how these things actually work...

Pilates

I have a rather embarrassing confession.

I have taken up pilates.

I had a hip replacement a couple of years ago and it has never been right. I mean the joint is OK, but my muscles have never regained their strength properly, mainly due to the lack of intensive physiotherapy I should have got after the op, but because I had it done privately, they essentially chuck you out the door as soon as they've got their cash, and clearly there's not much money in physio stuff.


 
Oh, so you think the world owes you some physiotherapy, just because you've had your hip replaced on private medical insurance do you? Why, you're just a miserable rotten little jumped up middle class loser. You're lucky we didn't take your leg off in part payment.
Get out, and don't come back until you've given us some more money...

I'm OK walking when I get going, but if I'm shuffling round an art gallery, I have more in common with



than


So despite my  Retirement Pledge, I thought I'd give it a go.

But not in a class


Hello Mr S and welcome to your first lesson. We'll start off by ridiculing you in front of all these bendy young people.

Oh no. This is just me and the instructor in the comfort of my own home.

I've had my first lesson, which was mostly spent trying to figure out how I was going to get down on the floor.


A hearty congratulations from my pilates instructor as I finally make it to the floor.

My first homework task is to stand on a spikey ball until it hurts


Here you are love. We'll start you off with a small one

Another billion brain cells...

...down the drain.

Was sitting quietly last night with the missus. We were both reading. Suddenly she said rather loudly, "what did you say??"

"Eh? I didn't say anything!

"er...did I?"


"God will see you now"

Booking system, turkish style

Booked a table for four tonight at


Hello there. I am a tremendously popular though unpronounceable local Turkish restaurant

Conversation went like this

"Hello yes?"
"Yes can I book a table for four at eight this evening please?"
"What time?"
"Eight this evening"
"Eight people"
"No for four at eight"
"Okay okay you tell me. What name please?"
"Peter"
"How do is it spell?"
"P-e-t-e-.. are you still there?"
"Yes you tell me please"
"P - e - t - e - r"
"Peter?"
"Yes!"
"Okay good. See you tonight"
"Okay thank you, yes we'll be there at eight. Name of Peter"
"Yes okay Thomas. See you tonight"
Click

Actually, it didn't matter. When we got there they didn't have any reservation under any name.

Great meal though. Highly recommended. Booking essential

Rising Damp and The Master Builder

Went to see Ibsen's The Master Builder starring Ralph Feinnes.



Hello. I'm Ralph Feinnes. I'm terribly handsome.


It was very very good, especially Mr Feinnes.


Except he looked and sounded exactly like Rigsby


Ralph Feinnes in The Master Builder

 I must tell you Hilda, what this sort of luck feels like! It feels like a great raw place here on my breast!!!








Leonard Rossiter in Rising Damp

Myyyyyyy God Miss Jones, but you look absolutely rrrravishing tonight
Oh Mr Rigsby! Whatever next???

Nosferatu of Alexandra Palace

So I'm at the docs a few days ago for a blood test.
My name is called and in I go to see the nurse. It is not the usual one.


She has a go at my left arm.
"Hmmm, now where has that vein gone?" Tap, tap, squeeze, fumble, STAB
"Hmmm, we seem to be losing the flow. What's going on here then?"


By now I'm feeling a bit woozy. She starts digging about and after a few minutes gives up, bandages my arm, and says, "OK, well, we'd better have a go at the other one."


Christ. I'm definitely getting a touch of the vapours



So she starts digging away again and finally, finally, manages to get a tubeful. She's just bandaged up my second arm, when in walks another nurse who stops dead, looks at Nurse No. 1 and says,
"Who are you?"


WHAT THE HELL?

"Now just a little prick..."


I leg it before the new one tries to get another armful.
I have no idea who the first one was, but I did get the results back a few days later. Everything was OK, except apparently I'm 4 weeks pregnant.


I made that last bit up, but only the last bit...

Easter

Just been planning a trip to Rome: looking at various dates. I do NOT want to be there at Easter. The place will be a nightmare. You won't be able to move for nuns



this is either Rome, or possibly the Death Star


Anyway, we're looking at the diary and the missus says, "well we'll be OK for the second week of April: Easter is early this year."


And I thought, you never hear someone say, "Easter is on time this year."



Christ almighty can't this thing go any faster? I'm late for Easter

Yellow Pages

Sorting out the recycling, I see a small A5 sized booklet 1/4 inch thick. It was the Yellow Pages. "When did this arrive?" I say to the missus. "yesterday. Threw it straight in the bin. Who uses that anymore?"

Good point. I remember when it came in two hefty volumes that landed with a foundation-shaking thump on the doorstep. No chance of getting it through the letterbox.

I had a quick riffle through and I instantly knew the answer to my wife's question as to who uses it. The main categories were:

Stairlift Manufacturers
Mobility specialists
Will & Probate Solicitors
Monumental Masons & Gravestone tenderers


and so forth plus a smattering of plumbers, roof fixers and gutter clearers.

Yellow Pages now cater to the last few in the kingdom who don't automatically click on google for stuff.


And I never really noticed.


What else has been going on without me noticing I wonder?

Interview

Well that was strange

Just had my first job interview for 39 years. Am applying for a PGCE course, which is the post-graduate teacher training qualification. I want to teach mathematics. Not for 14 year old spotty herberts flicking rubber bands at each other or whatever the hell else they do nowadays for entertainment, but as a mathematics lecturer for "mature" students, ie proper adults at an proper adult education college; just a few sessions a week with any luck.

I had to give a short presentation about the state of education. I am afraid I kind of laid into current government policy a bit, but to their credit, the interviewers thought it was pretty good and laughed in all the right places.

The actual interview was fine: said all the right things about inclusiveness and equal opportunities.



I shall let that pass Blotwell Minor, as I can see that you are suffering from low self esteem brought on by lack of inclusiveness within your equal opportunities peer group. Now run along and help yourself to a chocolate finger

what they said "I think you will fit in very well"
what they meant "Old crusties like being taught by old crusties"



OK listen up. I said LISTEN UP!! Today we are going to tackle second order non-linear partial differential equations. Any questions? I said ANY...

Then I had to have a mathematics test WHICH WAS REALLY HARD. To be honest, the mathematics was trivial, What was hard was trying to figure out what the hell the question was asking. They were all along the lines of:

"A train leaves Glasgow at 12.33 in the morning with 67 people and three bicycles on baord, and again half an hour later, but travelling at 102 mph in a northerly direction before heading for Cannes. If another train leaves Liverpool 54 minutes before the second train reaches Calais, and 123 people get off at Crewe but leave their bicycles behind, what's the name of the engine driver?"

I managed to get through it, but I am now feeling a little less confident.

Said they'd let me know in a few days.

Here's hoping, otherwise it's back to Jeremy Kyle and the Wood Green Senior Citizens Silver Screen Club (with free tea & biscuits) every Tuesday afternoon

The very definition of luxury

Just in case you have missed the news, Monday at noon at the Wood Green Vue Cinema Complex is The Seniors' Club, where you can get a ticket for a movie (we saw The Intern), a cup of tea and a biscuit for the very reasonable sum of £3.29, providing you are over 60.


Me and the missus went along with ID





but the ticket chappie took one look at us and handed over tickets, tea, and shortbread without batting an eyelid.  I mean, he could at least have looked a bit doubtful couldn't he?


So in we stumbled with about 20 other zombies, settled down in our very comfy seat, sipped our tea, and unwrapped a delicious and very buttery shortbread biscuit. A little crumbly, but you can't have everything.


As I sat back and watched the adverts, I felt I was at a roman orgy



I say Caligula, pass the Hob Nobs