Ooooh that felt good

So I'm 60 this year and I need to sort out the pension. Forms forms forms and more forms. And they all start with the question: "What is your National Insurance Number?"

Can I find it?

It is not on my tax returns. Don't have things like wage slips, tax code forms or P60's as I have been self employed for 150 years. Not on any correspondence. I have looked everywhere.


Well, I've found your library card from primary school, but no sign of your NI number

I ring the NI dept. and flick through some ancient correspondence in an ever diminishing hope of finding my NI number while waiting on the line


Christ if I hear Greensleeves one more time...

Finally some bloke answers

"National Insurance Department can I help you?"

"Yes I cannot find my NI number. Can you tell me what it is please?"

"I am not at liberty to divulge such information over the phone. If you pass the security procedures, we can post it to you"

Balls. "Oh...er...OK well, that will have to do"

I give him my surname
My first name.
My middle name.
My date of birth
My address
My postcode
My driving license number
My spouse's name
My mother's maiden name
The name of my cat

"Any previous addresses?"

"Er...well...not for 30 years...let me see...ermm...it was...89 Wilton Road. Yes that's it.

"Postcode?"

"WHAT?? You seriously expect me to remember a postcode from 30 years ago?"

"There's no need to raise your voice. I require the postcode."

Listen Sonny Jim, if I let you in, they'll ALL want to come in

"I don't know: would you remember a 30 year old postcode??"

"You have failed security..."

"Hold on...let me just look it up on google..."

"Sorry, I cannot continue with the conversation..."

"Here it is! I have it! N4 6RH"

"I am sorry. Once you have failed security we cannot proceed..."

"But I've just told you!!"

"You will need to fill in form CRAP068796/BALLS/001 and post it to us...thank you for contacting the National Insurance department

click

Son of a...

Armed with the new info, I ring again.


Greensleeves was all my joy...

"National Insurance Department can I help you?"

BASTARD - it's the same twat again. I think of disguising my voice, but suddenly realise there is a slight possibility he'll recognise me when I give him exactly the same info he'd just had



So I just say,

"Oh yes, I rang before and now have the requisite information"


"Hello? Are you still there?"

"I cannot help you if you cannot pass security..."

"Yes I KNOW that, but I now have the relevant...hold on a minute... I've got it!!"

I can't believe it. As I have been desultorily sorting through old correspondence, I suddenly come across a tax code note. It is so old it's written in cuneiform

- Apparently it says you owe the Inland Revenue 2 goats
- Groats?
- No, goats

"Wow, it's really old" I say to the jobsworth, "Do the NI numbers change?"

"Once issued, the numbers do not normally change throughout the recipient's lifetime."

"Could you just double check it for me if I give you the number I have here?"

"We are not at liberty..."

"Look, I am going to give you the number. All I want to do is for you to check against your records."

"Well..."

"There cannot possibly be a security problem here"

"Ummm...well...should be in order. Please tell me the NI number you have."

"I'm sorry, Before I can divulge that information to you I shall need to do a security check. What is your inside leg measurement?"

Click


BOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!