The Purple Beast

Friend of mine been a bit out of breath walking up hill and with a few other symptioms. Went to the doc to check out the old ticker. To protect his anonymity, let's just call him Bob. That is not his real name. His real name is Martin.

Anyway, Bob sends me a text to update me as to his physical wellbeing, a favourite topic for us retirees.

Tooth back in place. Hearing aid mended. Angiogram being scheduled.

In due course he has his angiogram and gets the results, which were OK: nothing too serious.

Bob had the angiogram through the groin.

Now, I'm no expert, but last time I looked, my groin was not particularly near my heart. Consequently, you have to shove a fair amount of tubing through the groin area to reach the heart

Are we there yet?

Personally, I would have gone in somewhere a bit closer. Like the armpit. Possibly the back of the neck or up the nostril. I don't know. I mean, if you are trying to get to Glasgow, you're better off starting at Grimsby rather than Penzance aren't you?

Anyway, as I say, I'm no expert. No, really.

So they let Bob out saying that the area might be a bit sore for 24 hours, with maybe a little swelling of the general region, due to the 40 kilometres of rubber tubing shoved up his groin.

I text him to arrange coffee. He replies

Won't be able to come out to play today. Groin area swollen and painful. Walking not a good idea, unless I want to do John Wayne impersonation.

So I go for coffee on my own and text him Howyadoin Big Boy?

Bob replies Just back from hospital. They said there is more swelling than usual but they are not worried. They might be if it was THEIR scrotum the bastards.

Me: you know some people would pay good money for serious groin swelling?

Bob: Unfortunately my secret dream to be hung like a horse has not been fulfilled. It may take up to two weeks to recover. They say it's a bit worse than usual. Let me know if you want photos

Me: I suspect if I type "swollen groin" into Google I'll get all the photos I could possibly need.

Next Day:

Bob: Back at hospital. Scrotum and willy now a problem. Scan being organised. If willy drops off, I'm gonna sue the ARSE off them.

Me: Oowwwwwwwwww I'm sitting here bent double and rocking back and forth with my legs crossed. Send me a selfie if you think that will help

Bob: My willy is now purple. I think a selfie would be inappropriate

Me: Purple is fine. It's green you have to worry about. This is going to make a great blog

Bob: DON'T YOU DARE!!

Me: Of course not: was only joking. What do you take me for??

Bob: Just so we understand each other. I don't want it trending all over the internet

Me: NEVER! In any case, I would only refer to you as my good friend Richard Swelling.

Bob: Just back from scan which showed nothing horrible. Very tired

Me: So I guess a shag is out of the question?

Next day:

Me: How is The Purple Beast today?

Bob: Looking sorry for itself: it had more people looking at it yesterday than in the last 20 years. It is a ridiculous colour. Doc says it will take a few days for the pain to ease and up to 2 weeks for the swelling to reduce.

Me: I am having lunch in Costa with the missus and her mum, so will tell them all the details.

Bob: If they want visuals I shall have to charge a reasonable fee

Me: Have just briefed the mother-in-law and she is looking very queasy. What sort of visuals could I get for 50p?

Bob: on second thoughts, I don't think showing her some purple willy porn would be appropriate. How old is she?

Me: Eighty five last May. Au contraire Blackadder. After due consideration she now sounds quite excited at the prospect. Have you considered setting up a website? There's a fortune to be made. I'll be your pimp.

Bob: It will be black soon. 

Me: WHOOAAA!!! Just choked over my black pudding and pickled walnuts

Bob: That's a pretty good likeness as long as the walnuts are purple

Me: Seriously I need a photo. For all I know this could quite literally be all mouth and no trousers

Two days later

Me: How you doin?

Bob: Swelling going down, but terrible night's sleep. Doc said I could take the bandage off now. Getting the sticking plaster off was fun. I practically gave myself a Brazilian. The purple beast is still too horrible to see the light of day though.

Me: Ouch. With regards to the Brazilian, have you considered wearing a mankini to show off your new look to best effect?


I suspect this is probably a better view than from behind

Bob: "Pervy 70 year old thrown out of cafe in purple willy flashing horror"

2 days pass. and then I am informed:

Bob: Successful Number Two's after three days.

Me: Quantity? Consistency? Colour? Ease of Production? Come on buddy, my Blog fans require DETAILS!

Bob: YOU PROMISED NO BLOG!!!

Me: KIDDING!!! I wouldn't do that to you

Bob: I know you wouldn't really. Do you want samples?

Me: Yes please. I'll send over a 50 gallon drum for you to fill at your convenience

3 days later

Me: What news?

Bob: Swelling appears almost back to normal

Me: So that's just the twelve inches then?

Bob: You better believe it Big Boy. Bruises changing colour to a sickly yellow. Still painful, Getting annoying now

Me: OK let's leave it till next week and meet for coffee. You should be leaping about like a young gazelle by then

Bob: Okay I'll brush up on my bossanova moves in preparation

Me: No wonder they call you snakehips

And finally 2 days later:

Bob: The Purple Beast has finally returned to its lair having frightened every nurse in the Hospital



Thank you and Good Night