Oh what a giveaway

Went to the piccies at the weekend. The film certificate comes up and says on it "scenes of suicide".

Well thanks.  I spent the entire film waiting for someone to top themselves. Thanks for ruining the film for me.


That accent is so bad I am going to grab that broomstick and kill myself by shoving it up my arse

Surely a U or PG or 18 or whatever classification is enough, isn't it? If this ridiculous nannying had been around a few years ago this is what we would have got on the certificates:

CARRIE: bloody hands come out of the grave in the last scene

Ooooo that tickles

JAWS: watch out for the severed head in the bottom of the boat

You do know your popcorn's just landed in row F?

THE STING: It's all a con: they don't really kill each other at the end

Actually I'm in league with Paul Newman. We're trying to con you out of your money
Oh well in that case, let's just call it a day. CD's are available in the foyer.

THE MOUSETRAP: The inspector did it. No, really!

How come she's got short hair and is wearing trousers?
She's a dyke, and what's more, the stiff with the notebook's the killer

THE ENGLISH PATIENT: Caution: extreme boredom may set in after about 10 minutes. Danger of coma

Please God is it nearly over? I...I can't stay awake any longer

TITANIC: The ship sinks, but not before you've been subjected to two hours of the most godawful wooden characters and stilted, cliched dialogue. Trust me. You will be begging for that iceberg.

LOOK! There's an iceberg!!!
Thank God!! Steer straight for it number one, and put us all out of our misery.